Personal Reflections on an Esbat

Personal Reflections on an Esbat

The following is excerpted from my Book of Mirrors, which I use for magical/spiritual record keeping. I wanted to share some of it here:

Ritual: Full Moon Esbat
Date: 1.10.2012
Goddess: Diana
Time : Midnight
Moon in Leo

 

Tonight I performed a solitary esbat–I only wrote a small part of it, and borrowed from some work I appreciate and admire. I used the circle cast, quarter calls and alter devotions of my tradition, some of Cunningham’s poetry for the invocation, and RavenWolf’s Drawing Down the Moon and poetry for the spell I cast.

I performed the rite skyclad–which I’m actually beginning to like, I never thought I would. The ritual felt very strong, the circle felt solid and very, very real. It felt like it was crackling with electricity. I took a lot of time with the quarter calls, and felt that my heart really opened up for each of them–a sense of an intense desire–or really calling out to the quarter was present, and I was surprised by how different each felt as I moved around the circle. When I did the invocation to Diana, it felt…OK, not as strong or focused as I would like. When I did the Drawing Down the Moon portion, however, this changed dramatically.

It has been over 10 years since I’ve performed a Drawing Down the Moon rite, the first time I did it, and the last time, I was 17. At that time it shook me to the core, and so I was unsure of what to expect now so many years later. This time around it was just as intense, if not more so, than I had remembered. I was in the Goddess position, chanting—something about the moon, I can’t seem to remember. The energy was slow at first, but then it felt like it was being poured into my body to the point that I was overflowing. I kept chanting and focusing, and then my head naturally moved back and it felt almost as if I were cradling a giant orb, or the moon herself. This next part is a little embarrassing to share, but I figured I would do so in the interest of full disclosure. I become physically aroused for a moment. It wasn’t sexual, it was more like my physical body didn’t know what to do with itself.

Once the energy ebbed, I performed the central working, a candle spell. At this point, I felt as if I were in a light trance.

When I thanked Diana at the end of the rite, I felt–it’s hard to describe–a tingling from my feel upwards, love, and a very deep sense of gratitude and connection.

This all might sound hard to believe, and I would be wary myself had I not experienced it first hand. Most times for me, energy work and ritual are very subtle, and that’s fine. But sometimes there is that wonder “Am I doing this right? Is there actually a circle?” This was one of those nights where I did not feel that. It was a moment, however small and however personal where I know that there is something beyond me, where I felt a deep connection with Diana, and where I felt like I was returning to something like home.

Solitary Esbat

First check to make sure that the moon is not void of course.

-Make sure you have all the tools for the ritual (you don’t want to be running to get something in the middle of the circle).

In this ritual, I’m only invoking the Goddess Diana. I know this isn’t standard, and many Wiccans would say it’s incorrect and unbalanced, but I do have some logic to it. For one, she is a virgin Goddess. She doesn’t have a consort, and it would be rude, I think, to decide to hook her up with a random God. I think that, because her brother was Apollo, one could write a ritual for them together. In fact, I think this would be useful—a way for Wiccan’s to think of a duality that isn’t sexual, but fraternal. (Not that I don’t love me some sexual dualities). Virbius would also make sense, since he was a woodland God, originally Hippolytus, who wanted to to become devoted to Diana, again this isn’t the traditional Wiccan duality.

Because this is an esbat, and you would be focusing on Diana and drawing down the moon, it feels weird, for me at least, to invoke a God, and then just let him hang out while there is this union with the female divine.

I like to focus on Diana alone for Esbats, and she resonates very powerfully for me, ever since the first time I performed a drawing down of the moon when I was a wee-witch of 16. Moreover, as a man, and a gay man especially, I’m drawn to Diana because of the tradition of the Rex Nemorensis—I’ll blog more about this later.

Set up the alter and circle.

For this ritual, I deck out the alter with silver, clear glass candle holders for white candles, crystal balls, moon water, white satin, etc. I drink white wine afterwards, and offer milk—all which helps me attune to the Goddess better.

Go take a ritual bath or shower (I like to use some oil for a self massage (I use a little bit of patchouli added to a base of organic sesame seed oil, then take a hot shower and visualize the water cleansing me with light). While I shower, I use the oil to massage my shoulders, and do long stroks on my arms, and circular motions on my joints, wrists etc. This is a traditional self-massage from Ayurveda. As I do the ritual bath, I chant names of moon goddesses—to clear my mind and start aligning myself with those energies.

Ground and Center

Perform the alter devotion.

Say:

 Holy Mother, in whom we live, move and have our being, from you all things emerge and unto you all things return…Open our hearts this blessed night. Touch our bodies and our minds. Walk with us through the gates of power, in shadow and starlight, in fire meeting earth, in wind on the ocean and the sweet kiss of life.*

Cast the circle

I like to say a circle blessing after the casting. This is from Scott Cunningham

May the powers of The One
the source of all creation;
all-pervasive, omnipotent, eternal;
may the Goddess,
the Lady of the Moon;
and the God,
Horned Hunter of the Sun;
may the powers of the Spirits of the [Sacred Quarters]
rulers of the elemental realms;
may the powers of the stars above and the Earth below,
bless this place, and this time, and I who am with you**

State the purpose of the rite:

Tonight I come under to full moon, before the gods, and the totems of the four sacred corners . Let me know Diana’s power once more, and let her aid me in my magical working.

Invocation:

I start with an invocation from Cunningham (I cut my teeth on his work, so to speak, so it holds a very special place for me, as it does for many others I imagine)

Crescent One of the starry skies
Flowered One of the fertile plain
Flowing one of the ocean’s sighs,
Blessed One of the gentle rain;
Hear my chant ‘midst {Earth’s ancient ] stones
Open me to your mystic light;
Waken me to your silver tones
Be with me in my sacred rite**

I then add my own invocation:

“I have come to this place once more
Diana, divine lady of silver light
In your sacred groves and woodlands wide
Let my spirit with you be
Let me know your presence in deepest night
And devote myself to thee.

Draw down the moon

I think this requires very, very focused energy and concentration, and so I don’t use poetry when I do it, I just focus on the energy of the moon coming into my body, opening my heart, and the divine union. To help I will sometimes chant. When I do it, I tend to almost  get a little lost–for me it’s a very powerful, almost overwhelming experience, so I just need to focus on the energy and visualization.

Hail Diana!
Ruler of Night
Reveal to me
Your Moonlight might!

When the energy gets very intense, I usually just chant Her name. Once it starts to ebb, I start the magical working, and use the energy for that task

Here is the time for a Magical Working, or in place of that meditation. I sometimes just like to use this time to infuse my tools and alter with the energy I’ve drawn down

Thank the Goddess, I like this to be from the heart, no need for poetry here—just sincerity and devotion.

Close the Quarters
Uncast the Circle
Ground and Center
Go have something to eat

As you can see, this is a bit of a Frankin-ritual, but I think that the energies work well together, and the poems mesh well. I hope to write some Solitary Esbats that are more my own work in the future, but this one works very well for me at the moment.

*from Evolutionary Witchcraft T. Thorn Coyle
**Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, Scott Cunningham

Make the Yuletide Gay

 A (Queer) Solitary Yule Ritual for Apollo

 What You Will Need:

Trad Alter Set Up

Cauldron

Red, Gold or Yellow Candle

Fresh Snow (if available, otherwise you can use ice cubes)

Frankincense and Myrrh

Gold/ Yellow Felt

Gold, Orange Thread

Wine (or milk) and honey, for offerings

Hyacinths (if at all possible, even dried would do well here, )

The form of this ritual is based on the myth of Apollo and Hyacinth, who was one of Apollo’s lovers. He was a youth, whom Apollo was throwing a discus back and forth with, when Zephyr, jealous of this, blew the discus off course,  it ended up striking and killing Hyacinth. Apollo didn’t allow Hades to take the youth, but with his blood and tears, formed the  hyacinth flower. For me , it’s a story of Apollo’s love, and the promise of his love for Hyacinth returning each year in the form of a flower

To make the disk,

Cut out a circle of felt, whatever size works best for you. Use a blanket stitch with gold thread on the sides, then on the disk, you can stitch, or use a magic marker to make  the following :

Ὑάκινθος, (Hyacinth)

Ἀπόλλων (Apollo)

Set up the ritual space, then go to the hearth (for me it’s the island of my kitchen) and light your spirit candle there. I actually light mine from one of the pilot lights on my stove because these are a flame that is constantly burning in my home.

Ground and center. Say:

“Light from Light–come Solstice Night

 Light within blaze through Darkness Without.

Flame of Promise, Flame of Powers Divine,Born of  Stardust– of  Heaven’s

Seed of Light, illume this night 

…And I, who am with you”

Take the small flame to your altar, setting it down

Perform Your Alter Devotion

Cast Circle

Call the Quarters

State the purpose of the Circle (Taking time to pause and reflect on what you are saying)

 “Tonight is the longest night. The Sun returns , born from the dark and nourishing womb of the Cosmos.  [...] Darkness now gives way to light as each day grows longer. On this night, we remember that darkness is not empty, nor frightening. It is the infinite potential out of which the light  is born. On this night, we rejoice, for the dreams we have found in the dreamtime now appear before us. On this night, we kindle the light of hope, for light is returning and with it, new life.” ****

Invocations:

(For this ritual, I’m invoking the primal goddess (via the Feri tradition), or God Herself, and then will be focusing on Apollo. I do this because I see the Star Goddess as the primal divine emanation, and all Gods coming from Her. I’m doing a queer invocation of Apollo, invoking his aspect in  the birth and promise of a lover (in his homoerotic aspect and in relation to Hyacinth)

Goddess:

 Holy Mother, in whom we live, move and have our being, from you all things emerge and unto you all things return…

Open our hearts this blessed night. Touch our bodies and our minds. Walk with us through the gates of power, in shadow and starlight, in fire meeting earth, in wind on the ocean and the sweet kiss of life.

Blessed be our journey**

Take a deep breath, and some time to feel the Star Goddess.

The, gazing into the dark cauldron, take a moment to feel the coldness of the ice, reflecting on the dormant earth and the darkness of this time of year.

Say:

“ I sorrow not, through the world is wrapped in sleep

I sorrow not, thought ice winds do blast

I sorrow not, though the snow falls hard and deep

I sorrow not; this too holds lessons, and soon shall pass**

Light the candle in the cauldron

Say:

Holy Mother 

Great Creatrix , you who brings life from death and warmth from cold

Who nurtures the divine spark, as  we wax towards the coming  Lords of Light:

Apollo, Helios, Surya, Ra–the Great Torchbearers  of Life. 

Come to me, come to me, come to me now, 

 On this sacred Yule night

Ground Center, and Say:

Apollo now it is time for your return

to your sanctuary high atop the stark-faced Earth

where curls of smoke from burning incense

drift and melt into a veil

and bowls of wine and honey adorn your alter

I wait in your temple, a hymn on my lips;

a prayer hangs from my tongue

longing for your presence so that it may fall.

Time stretches and stands still

holding it’s breath in anticipation***

Thought Zephyr is blowing harsh and cold

Sorrow not, let me be to you Hyacinth

Come to me, Shinning One, 

Let your spark of light reside in me

So that I may be a light in this world

Illuminating darkness within, and darkness without. 

Let light be reborn, let regeneration be

Let transformation come—

and manifest in me. 

Take the disk of felt that you prepared, and forming your hands in a triangle above it , say:

“Though Zephyr blew Hyacinth’s disk asunder

Come Glorious Apollo and bless this small wheel of light

Let it remind me of that light is never lost

that love surrounds me

and that you, Most beautiful, Most illuminating are always with me.

As we move into the waxing year, let this disk be a place of power and rebirth–fill this , oh Mighty Apollo, with powers of positive transformation, wisdom, and harmony

I offer this small token in your honor, a reminder , however small, 

That your powers are never far, and that divine illumination is within me.

Imagine a globe of blinding golden light forming in the triangle in your hands, Chanting Apollo’s name, raise power and when it is time (you’ll know) lower that light into the felt disk. After the ritual, this disk can act as a meditation device, or a touch point when you need to remind yourself of the light that is growing in this darker time of the year.

Thank Apollo,( I think this part is best done simple and from the heart.)

Repeat the Star Goddess invocation/thanks.

Close the quarters

Close the circle

Have something yummy to eat, write down your experience, and then go do something grounding and mundane.

Brightest Blessings.

Citations:

****From Witchcrafting Phyllis  Curott

*Adopted from Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner

*** from http://painandlight.wordpress.com/poetry-hymns-and-prayers/for-apollo/

** Taken form the opening of T. Thorn Coyle’s Evolutionary Witchcraft

Of Wheels and Wonder

There are 8 spokes on my spinning wheel.

Lately, because I’m working on spinning a large amount of alpaca for  a local framer, I’ve been spending many of my evenings at the wheel. I like to either play light music, or simply spin in silence. The the whorl of the wheel and the smooth fiber moving through my hands as it becomes yarn gives me a lot of time to think.

Looking at the my wheel, and thinking about the importance of that image for Wiccans, I don’t think it’s an image that we consider that often. We tend to focus, at least I know I do, on the pentacle, and rightly so–it’s an important and powerful symbol.

But it’s also a borrowed one.

The Wheel of the Year, however, is really, all our own. We know that our Sabbats are an amalgamation of the yearly festivals of different European cultures, but Wicca is unique in the combination of these into  eight major holidays. So, perhaps it’s this wheel that sits at the heart of our faith. But what would that mean?

Certainly, we are not the only religion that employs this image. The most famous religious wheel would be that of Buddhism, The Wheel of Dharam, or the Dharmachakra. It’s a beautiful symbol, rich in meaning, and worth some attention and study by Wiccans. The Dharmachakra is the symbol of The Noble Eightfold Path, a path that leads to awakening, and which can be easily incorporated into Wiccan practice. (I hope to blog about this connection in the future).

The other wheel symbol in buddhism is the representation of Samsara–the cycle of birth, death , and rebirth. It is, to put it lightly, an intense image. Especially in Tibetan Buddhism :

This is a cycle of suffering, a wheel from which we seek liberation. There is no denying this, life is full of suffering, and it’s a noble goal to seek enlightenment and to wish that all beings be free from suffering.

Nevertheless,  I think it would be myopic to think of life as only this kind of wheel. And it’s here that Wicca offers an important intervention.

The Wheel of the Year, the moment from one season to the next, and back again is a cycle that might contain aspects of suffering–but it is also suffused with joy, mystery, and important lessons.

What those lessons are–I’m only beginning to figure out. And, to be completely honest, when I first began practicing Wicca my first reaction to the Sabbats was less one of reverence and awe, and more akin to “@%$&! Eight major holidays?! This is gonna make me Mr. Crazy Witch”

 

Now that I’m significantly older, and slightly wiser, my view of the Sabbats has changed. I’ve now come to the opinion that they hold some of the most significant opportunities to deepen our religious practice.

On the most basic level, they do the work of reconnecting us to the earth and her cycles. We learn to embrace where we are in the wheel, and focus on that season, that sabbat, that moment. This isn’t always easy to do. The Sabbats that bring us into winter seem to be especially difficult, because they signal a time of introspection and quiet reflection–which isn’t always easy.

Besides each sabbat and the lesson it has to teach us, one aspect of the Wheel that seems to get overlooked at times is, oddly enough, the wheel part. That is, we tend to focus on the spokes of the wheel, the individual festivals, and not on the circle that surrounds and connects them. The spokes of a wheel are simply the supporting structure, they are secondary. In other words, the sabbats do the work of supporting the cycle, bolstering its structure.

 

But what is this cycle exactly? I think one of the best insights to this come from Ellen Canon Reed’s The Heart of Wicca. She writes,

“Because I felt the need to have some connection, some continuity to the rituals, so I could put a rim around the eight spokes I had, I began to work to achieve that. What I finally come up with was this: each sabbat made a promise and fulfilled the promise made by the previous one”

I like this idea, and I think it helps us to think of the cycle of the seasons, and to remember that the God and Goddess have given us an amazing tool for understanding how we move from one season to the next, be that a season in nature, or a season of the soul.

I also think Reed makes another important point about the Sabbats in terms of how we should go about practicing them. She writes, ” the important thing is that sabots are more than just seasonal celebrations. They are more than parties. They are an important part of the continual magical work a working coven does”

This is an important point, I think especially for how we design the sabbats. While I think that it’s important that we not forget to celebrate the cycles of the seasons, every sabbat can’t be Midsummer. But that’s a good thing, otherwise we wouldn’t get the lessons we need.

Recently, I had a strong realization of exactly how profound a sabbat can be–this was when my coven celebrated Samhain together. It’s always been a favorite holiday for me–I think it is for a lot of witches. It’s magical, exciting, and vibrates in a way that I can’t explain.

This year, however, I came face to face with just how powerful it can be. In my coven, during ritual there was a moment when we used candles to honor our ancestors, lighting our candle from that of the Horned God. As I walked to place my candle in the cauldron, I  felt that I was saying goodbye.

I had lost my mother less than a month earlier, and it was a complicated relationship–full of unresolved issues. But in the circle, surrounded by my coven, I felt that it was okay for me to let go, that the Gods were there with me, and that this goodbye need not mean I had to forget my mother, but that even something as painful as death is a great mystery, and because it is a mystery–it is full of lessons and even blessings.

Reed ends her chapter with a very important point: “Often special projects relating to the season can be ‘suggested’ by life itself, and the more you are attuned to the wheel, the more aware you will be”

I think these projects can be as difficult and profound as confronting the death of a loved one, and those are important lessons. However, Wicca is a mystery tradition founded in joy and the immanent divine. So there are ways to celebrate even somber moments.

For me, one way that I celebrate the Sabbats is through my own crafts. The projects I work on, from what I am knitting or sewing, to what kind of cooking I am doing, all has magic and promise in it–at least I think it does. In part, this is why Vesta is so important to me: so much of my expression of my faith is done as expressions through my home: For Yule, this has meant stringing up holiday lights to remind myself of the birth of light, knitting socks and gifts to keep my loved ones warm, and thinking about what foods are important at this time of year.

I still have so much to learn, which can sometimes be daunting when it comes to the lessons of the Sabbats, but it’s also exciting to know that, with every turn and expression of the wheel, I’m offered a divine opportunity to connect with the Gods, and deepening my understanding of the mysteries.

 

Book Review : Wicca (Vivianne Crowley)

This is a review of an older edition of the book. Crowley’s Wicca : The Old Religion in the New Millennium announces some of its anachronistic context in the title, specifically in Crowley’s use of the term Old Religion. The idea of the Old religion is a contested one, at best, and blatantly delusional at worst. As Wicca has come into her own, we have grown past Margaret Murray’s thesis, and become more honest with ourselves about the origin of our spiritual path.

That said, the book is excellent–and it stands above many books published later in the New Age and Wiccan market. Specifically, Wicca stands out because it offers a deeply thoughtful, if somewhat overly psychological, account of Wicca as a spiritual path. We need more of this in the discourse of our community. Since the late 90s, I think that a lot of the book publishing market has been dominated by what we might call Get Witch Quick sorts of books. I love a good spell as much as the next person, but Crowley’s book forces us to think deeply about the structures of our spiritual practices and mythologies.

But she seems to, at times, become too focused on mythological structures. Or, more exactly, she becomes too focused in psychologizing the myths and practices of Wicca. Crowley takes an unabashed and dominating Jungian view of Wicca. At times, this helps to make sense of what might seem odd at first (the myth cycle of the Sabbats comes to mind). At other times, however, this creates such a strong psychological map that Wicca seems to be nothing but an expression of Jungian psychological structures. A more interesting project would be to shed light on the ways that Wicca challenges Jungian maps of the mind–how the numinous doesn’t always easily fit into the paths we think it will follow. The Gods have a way of surprising us, and it’s important that we make room for that.

Criticism aside, I wish I had read this book much earlier on my path. It’s remarkably grounded throughout, and the text contains some really beautiful poetry. I started off my path with To Ride a Silver Broomstick and Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. These books were very important to me. And I still hold a very special place in my heart for these texts and their authors. (I’m not going to enter the fluffy bunny debate here–we all were beginners at one point; we cannot forget that). However, I think that Crowely’s book would be useful to making sense of Wicca as a spiritual system–to gaining insight into the ways that it opens up the path for us, and how those ways manifest in other spiritual practices as well.

Casting Circles

A few reflections on circle casting…

I can still remember the first time I cast a magic circle. I was in the 8th grade and had picked up Scott Cunningham’s Living Wicca (I would later go back to the bookstore in my local mall to pick up Wicca: A Guide ). It was in the living room of my mother’s apartment on a late weekend night in the fall. I don’t know if I really did anything that evening–but I felt that had begun to learn how I might do so.

There were, thankfully, more powerful circles within my future. One of the most memorable was on the upstairs balcony of a townhouse that my mother had moved to later. My sisters and I cast the circle together: We carefully measured out the circle, and used a tarot deck to outline the boundary. It was a warm, comfortable summer night, and the balcony (which was enormous) was under the shade of an incredibly large oak tree.

Once it was cast–it was if the Earth came alive–or , more exactly, I became aware of the Earth’s living nature. The slight wind, the rustling leafs, the energy of the circle–it all melted together, and I was between the worlds.

Working through the lessons in my tradition, I’ve been casting circles using my tradition’s circle casting, as well as the Gardnerian casting.

I love the circle of my tradition. At first, I didn’t see the point in speaking a lot when casting a circle–I think this is in part because I needed to focus on the visualization and concentration. As I became better at that, the words of the casting became more and more powerful. When using my tradition’s circle casting, I don’t feel as if I’m alone. Instead, it feels as though I’m connecting into a network of power and lineage.

I’ve never resonated with Gardner’s circle casting or quarter calls. The language feels affected rather than poetic to me, and the quarter calls feel too generic.

I am , however, having some trouble with the quarter calls of my tradition. I think part of it is that I’m still not comfortable working with totems. I mean this more in the sense of I’m not accustomed to the energy, rather than I get the heepy jeepies.

For the quarter calls, I’ve always preferred the Guardians of the Watchtowers, the Archangels, etc. You know, the big dudes. Part of it might be that I started training in a Western esoteric tradition before coming to Wicca, and part of it might be that I don’t mind being surrounded by some (in my mind) buff entities.

All this said, I’m feeling very “at home” with my tradition’s circle casting, while I have some work to do in terms of getting to know her totems. Luckily, such introductions are always welcomed ones.

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